If you are a past reader of teamliquid.net, you probably know that I used to write stupid stories every so often of things that happened in my life. Usually they were somewhat funny things involving college students doing stupid college things. I just learned something though -- the older you are, the dumber you get.
So my mom decides to go out to the movies tonight with a few of her idiot friends to see the devil wears prada, some terrible movie about who really gives a shit. Before it, she thinks having a small dinner party with the 4 of them would be a great idea. So for the past 3-4 hours shes been slaving away in the kitchen making the most random food ive ever seen. Shes making egg rolls, a pizza, guacamole sauce with these god awful chips, and french fries.
so anyway, im starving cause I havent eaten since this morning, so im poking into the kitchen every few minutes to see if anything is ready for me to pick on while she continually fights me out of there. Now my mom is actually a really good cook, so im highly anticipating this food, even though its more random than a picasso painting.
So her friends finally show up, she puts food on the table, and refuses to let me eat anything until they come to the table. So they come in and I start shoving my face before these tubs of goo can inhale everything and force me to eat. anyway, these einsteins decide to make margaritas before they drive to the movies.
I'll start off by saying that these ladies have a lower alcohol tolerance than the anorexic freshman girl in college whos never drank before who inevitably gets her stomach pumped the first week. I really dont think any amount of drinking before driving any distance is a good idea for them, plus the fact that they would probably all pass out in the theater (if they managed to make it there alive).
Now, about them actually making the margaritas....ive seen more organized monkey shit fights in the zoo. They were standing around the blender in a circle jerk type fashion shouting at each other what goes in it. Theyre randomly pouring in all sorts of shit, none of which ive ever heard being used in a margarita.
So my blender doesnt really have a top. We lost it some time ago, so whenever i make a protein shake i take a few paper towels, sufficiently cover the top, then turn it on, and anything that would have normally flown out of the blender ends up trapped inside. Well these geniuses forget to even look for a top and just turn the blender on and fragments of whatever the hell they put in there start flying all over the room. I got hit by a stray blackberry, i have no idea why that was in there to begin with but it was. It was sort of like watching helen keller try out driving for the first time.
so finally, after the big mess they created was cleaned up it was time for the ladies to enjoy their concoction. it was poured into the salt rimmed glasses (a pretty standard thing for a margarita), and then each lady started drinking. one of my mom's less sharp friends asked why there was sugar on her glass. it took all of my self control to not call her an idiot.
Eager to impress me with her coolness and bartender skills my mom offers me a margarita. I begrudgingly accept it and hope for the worst. It was actually pretty tasty. "Ryan, did you like it?" my mom said with hope filled eyes. "IS THERE EVEN ANY ALCOHOL IN HERE?????" After drinking it down i start looking around the table and these idiots had forgotten the tequila, the main ingredient in a margarita. For those of you who dont drink margaritas, its basically the equivalent of going to make a peanut butter and jelly sandwich and then eating 2 naked pieces of bread smacked together. There was triple sec and other unnecessary margarita ingredients but no tequila. Of course the ladies found this hilarious and quickly made another 2 batches of it WITH the tequila.
So i ignore them for a little while and go back to eating the food. After each of them had a few more drinks it seemed like they were all sufficiently buzzed. they were randomly coming and talking to me and going back to talking about stupid adult girl shit like tampons, vaginas and shoes. anyway, one of the ladies, in a happier state than she should be wanders over and starts making drunken banter with me.
her: "so youre just playing poker this summer? must get kind of boring with most of your friends working"
me: "yeah, it sucks that they all have jobs but i love what im doing this summer"
her: "well if you ever get bored you can always come over and use the pool. im always lonely when everyones left for the day"
i kind of shrug and say yeah thatd be cool. as shes leaving she grabs my ass squeezes it and winks at me. now ive never fucked one of my friends mothers...or anyone's mother for that matter, and as a 22 year old i think it would be just awesome to, and normally i'd take that up in a second, except for the fact that im pretty sure her husband is in the mafia and would kill me. in order to retain any small amount of self control i have, ill just assume it was the alcohol talking.
So after a few more minutes of babbling like idiots, they leave for the movies. I was pretty glad to see them go cause that meant I had the house to myself cause my dad is a degenerate and he was at the track betting horses. I was however surprised and not happy when they returned 20 minutes later because THEY FUCKING DIDNT LOOK UP THE RIGHT MOVIE TIME. And the best part about it was, on the way up my driveway the lady hit my metal basketball pole and dented her car. Man oh man old women are fucking stupid.