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Hello TL
Some short info about me: I am 22 years old, rarely socialise and have struggled with social phobia in the past. I also have a mild case of Aspergers. I enjoy solitary pursuits such as reading, programming and listening to music but I wish to improve my social ability and personability since it is vital to be able to get along with people in the world of work (currently I am waiting to start a computer science course in September, I have not had a job before)
I am somewhat nerdy, fortunately teamliquid can help me out. Can anyone share their advice or tips on how to become more outgoing and confident, and a more entertaining person without selling their own soul?
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Vancouver14381 Posts
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One of my best friends has Aspergers and I know a lot of people with autism or social withdrawal. You don't have to try to develop yourself socially beyond what you are comfortable with. Just be the Aspergers guy within your workplace or in your circle of friends. You probably are already very sociable and entertaining in your own way.
The idea of being socially desirable is very complicated, and it's hard to define how to achieve it from a theoretical perspective. However people naturally have a very sharp sense of how others are feeling, so if you are in your comfort zone, they will know it and be comfortable as well. When people try to manipulate their personality, it always comes across as awkward. So just be yourself, and I'm not saying this as the motivational mumbo jumbo that people often tell kids; it legitimately works in getting people to like you.
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I would avoid thinking about "Gosh, what do these people like? How can I make them like me?"
I think a lot of it comes down to getting a read on people and working bits of your personality that are more likely to gel with them, for example I will mess with certain people more than others (in I think a nice way). Speak your mind and say what you think but in a pleasant way. Act with purpose but dont be a cunt about it. Have a go at gradually shifting topics in a conversation stop it from becoming stale (although is dependent on person, some people you will just find uninteresting/annoying).
There will be people you just don't get a long with, but just be pleasant to them and move on. There will be others that naturally work better.
There will be times where you just say shit that comes out wrong or gets interpreted wrong or just blows up. Apologise and move on.
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Go to some church groups is a pretty good way since its a rather sensitive environment (talk about your experiences fucking hoes and watch them cringe) yet they are obligated by "moral" commands to be nice to you. Its probably the easiest environment to dominate in.
Once you got the "dominance" trait down, learn how to fight. Then you can dominate convicts even; now you have true social power. Good luck; what I prescribed is a long dangerous journey, but keep on working really hard for your goals and you will achieve them!
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On July 26 2014 11:36 Awesomedrifter wrote: Go to some church groups is a pretty good way since its a rather sensitive environment (talk about your experiences fucking hoes and watch them cringe) yet they are obligated by "moral" commands to be nice to you. Its probably the easiest environment to dominate in.
Once you got the "dominance" trait down, learn how to fight. Then you can dominate convicts even; now you have true social power. Good luck; what I prescribed is a long dangerous journey, but keep on working really hard for your goals and you will achieve them! The first part of your post is kinda good advice, however the last part seems to have missed the mark. I don't want to 'dominate' people (bad word), I just want to be more friendly and sociable, less awkward and boring in social interactions. If I want a good job I need to be able to interact with people for my own sake as well as theirs, plus it'll be more enjoyable for everyone.
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Don't over-theorize about socializing. The only way to improve is to DO.
Start some activities that involve socializing with people. You like helping others, volunteer with an organization. You like programming or analytical things, join a programming club or a chess (or might I say Go) club. You like to read, join a book club. You like starcraft, invite some online people to a home game or to watch the finals of a tournament.
Actually theorizing about it in solitude may have a detrimental effect by making you more self-conscious or over-analytical during social interactions, which tend to be more of a kind of go-with-the-flow activity. Human interaction is much more reliant upon picking up subtle non-verbal cues than it is about the actual words used. And you can't really practice seeing/projecting these things unless you're in a conversation with another human being.
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Figure out how others will stereotype you and then play to it. Doesn't matter if it's fake. It's a performance. Especially in the workplace.
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Start where you are. Don't try to be somewhere else, and don't look at the situation as different from how it is. Understand that "you" don't exist.
That is, your idea of yourself is as illusory and unclear as a child's image of the tooth fairy or Santa Claus. What are "you"? What is this self that has this problem? The self is an idea about the organism we call "you" which is inaccurate and incomplete. When I say "me", does that include my stomach digesting food right now? Does it include my body's complex regulation of blood chemistry? Is "me" a white male of a certain age with a job and school to worry about, or are those just words on a page?
Obviously I am none of these descriptions. What I am, and what you are, cannot be put into words. When you see that the self, or the ego, isn't real, like a tree or a dog or the sun is real, that the ego is just an idea, then the problems associated with the self as an idea also go away. I can imagine a problem, say that I don't have enough money and not enough people like me, but as soon as I'm cease to imagine it, it ceases to be a problem.
If I say to myself "I need to be more suave with the ladies and have more friends", there is nothing that I can do to fix it because I'm the thing that needs fixing! If you are a terribly sick doctor, there's nothing you can do to get yourself healthy again, even if you use all the right methods, because you are just so terribly sick!. In the same way if you are a broken and unhappy ego, then there is nothing that you can do to fix it! You can't fix your ego with your ego, but you can find peace when you stop imagining that your ego isn't good enough or that it has problems.
If you are only worried about how things should be, then I can say without hesitation that everyone should have plenty of money, they should have plenty of food, they should have lots of shelter, they should have a big happy family that loves them, they should have lots of friends, and they should have a loving relationship with a beautiful person. But this is not how things are. If you stop living in the world of "shoulds", then you see what is and there are no more problems.
So if you ask "how can I be more social", you are asking a question which has no answer, like "draw a square circle". You can't do it! And as you try to do it you get more and more worried about how you can't do it and it all just gets worse and dissolves into this big quaking mess! So don't worry about what you should be, and only look at what is. And if you can see what is, uncorrupted by "oughts" and "shoulds", then there are no more problems.
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Going to some church groups is a good way to go as it's a very sensitive environment (talk about your experiences with fucking bitches and watch 18+ video tiktok18apps them cringe), but they are obligated to do so as "morally" required, glad Become with you. This is probably the easiest environment to control.
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Why would you bump a 10 year old thread? Anyway now I'm curious how is the OP doing after 10 years. I have a 6yo son with lvl 1 autism myself.
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