It has been over a month since I've practiced. I've been in one of those holes again. It reminds me of a song called Narcolepsy by Ben Folds. I don't know what he was thinking about when he wrote the song. That doesn't really matter. The lyrics apply to me and depression. I don't think anyone could guess how bad I was feeling around the time I did State of the Game. Sometimes I just slip off and let everything go but it's hard for anyone to notice. I even lose track of myself and let days and weeks go by without trying to break out of it.
I woke up a week ago but I didn't rush back to practicing. This time I'm trying something different. I'm establishing a healthy lifestyle, mentally and physically, before I jump into the deep end of long hours of SC practice. It's hard to keep your head on straight when you're playing SC. It's just that kind of game. And it's many times worse when you're out of shape.
It has been over a week since I last made a post. I haven't been reading posts, either. Or been on Twitter. I'm faced with the fact that spending time on community sites makes me feel worse. I don't want to explain why I think that is and I don't want to influence other people so I'm not going to elaborate. That's just how I feel and that's that. Naturally I'm not going to spend time on community sites anymore. At least for a while. I thought I should notify the people who are looking out for me in the community so here I am for one last post before a longer hiatus.
I know a lot of people who pay attention to me are going through similar situations. The rest of this blog is for you. For the people who don't really give a damn and are tired of hearing from me and about me, you really ought to rethink your choices that led you to click my blog and read up to this point. I've done my share of reading shit I don't really care about, even with mountains of things I do care about at my fingertips, and I'm changing that now. Consider it for yourselves.
I've been exercising. I've been eating healthy. I've been sleeping better. These three basic things are indispensable for me to reach my potential. Take one or all of them away and I think I suffer more than most. I've got to lock these things down and let them be the foundation for a successful approach to SC. Too many times in the past have I woken up and tried to do everything at once. Inevitably I have a bad day and I let it all slip away as quickly as I picked it all up. I'm strengthening my healthy activities into habits before I try to do everything I eventually want to be doing. Will power is a very short resource. It's a nudge that we can control and the goal is to get the autopilot going in the same direction, not to augment the nudge into a continuous effort.
I'm being diligent. Conventional wisdom says that pursuing perfection right off the bat is a sure path to complete disaster. I agree. But when you've got a mentality like mine, indulgences may as well be pitfalls. So I'm being diligent. Everyone has a voice in their head that is telling them what they truly believe is best for them, what they truly believe is the right choice. I'm following that voice as often as possible. I'm reversing a habit of ignoring that voice. It's not trying to be perfect; it's being yourself.
I'm lucky to have received as a Christmas present a piece of equipment which enables me to play piano again. I haven't played much in well over ten years and I wasn't much good back then and my fingers are weak as hell now and I can't play anything yet. But it's an activity that makes me feel much better than the way I used to spend my time. And I know it's only going to get more rewarding and enriching. I've been going outside just to be out in the sun a little bit and have a nice change of environment. It's incredible how much of a boon such a simple activity as walking around outside can be. I've taken to reading novels outside as long as the weather is nice. These are some of the activities that I have taken up and I've found them invigorating and refreshing despite being more active and engaging than my old habits.
Anyway, that's the gist of things. I don't want to carry on too long. I wish you all the best and thank you for your continued support. Auf wiedersehen!
P.S. I know some of you are going to think about following my lead and scaling back or cutting off your participation in the SC2 community. If that's what you think is best for you, do it. But remember, SC is an incredible game and a great activity to play or watch. If spending time on the community isn't for you, that doesn't mean that the game itself isn't for you. I'm still watching games and I for damn sure plan to keep playing. I still enjoy talking about it with my close friends. Consider all the levels of participation you might enjoy and do what's best for you.
Wish you the best! Been watching your Stream for a while. One of the smartest players out there. Good luck in the future with whatever you decide to do!
I get so out of shape while I'm actively practicing SC. Ended up quitting playing 3 months ago, was at the point where I had the feeling my wrist was on the verge of getting RSI in a few months if I kept it up. Still been TLing a good bit though, and watching games. And... getting into shape again haha. I rate myself at a sub 1% level of shape ~_~
Man your blog is going to make me get depressed and I don't do depressed.
For me there has to be a reason to nudge myself to take care of something that needs to be done. Fear can be a reason. Two years ago I was horrible at leaving dirty dishes in the sink and letting them pile up. I'm pretty afraid of going back to the years when I stayed inside for 7-10 days at a time (most times), let my laundry and dishes pile up and just ate food and sat on the computer. I only went outside to buy food.
There is a voice inside your head. That's definitely true. There's a voice that says "hey look, dirty dishes; I should do them now so they are clean next time I want to eat something." That one usually talks first. Then there can be another voice, "I'll do it later, it doesn't NEED to be done now, I'm young, I have all the time in the world to do the dishes." But really washing the dishes by hand is a simple task that doesn't take more than 10 minutes if there are a lot to do.
If you've ever been in a place where you are constantly nagged by that voice that tells you to do the dishes, and you ignore it for months straight, you know the kind of hell that can be. I've been there, and I'm afraid of going back, so when I hear that voice I RUN to do the dishes. Sure there are times when I leave them till morning if there are only a few and I'm really tired. But just listening to the voice for a couple days really turns the pilot light on.
Late night computer use is a pretty tough habit to break. What I've been doing is only use it until about dinner time, then go eat dinner and don't get back on. Do something else for a bit. Then if you need to use it for practice or whatever say "I'm gonna play x number of games, and that's it." Then turn it off. I hear that "do the dishes" voice every time I walk past my computer to go downstairs to my bedroom. But this time it says "go to bed, it's late." I think having something like a game of SC2 or LoL can break your computer dose, say you're on the computer and it's 1am and you need to sleep but you don't want to get off, and you're reading a bunch of stuff on community sites. Play a game of SC2 and turn it off. It's nice to have a chunk of time dedicated to an activity rather than clicking through 50 links (just 3 more...) and reading them all.
I am glad for this, for you. You have to take care of you before you can do the things you want. Even if that involves what seems like baby-steps and makes you feel pathetic sometimes. It sounds like your approach is healthier this time. Don't give up, even if you fall down and give up for a little while. That's sort of cliche. I've never been very good at articulating talking about head stuff.
i feel like you understand things about me that i do not, and im scared that ill only learn about these things through alot of fuckups. the blogs are like the little question marks in minesweeper where the mines might be.
anyways. good luck nony, i hope you get your autopilot working reliably. i know a little bit about how difficult it can be.
It is difficult to describe how I feel, reading all this and thinking of the similarities in the problems you have to endure. I don't know if you do this already, but if you want to read an advice from a stranger, when you find yourself in a pit hole, at anypoint, remembering the ones that you love, the ones that are always there for you, even if it just seems to be one person, makes easier the whole thing. It sounds cliche, but, hey, I think it works.
Stay healthy, stay strong, you are a winner, be the winner you truly are.
I just decided to do the exact same thing for community sites today too. Got back into WoW, and all I hear now is "X needs to be fixed, X is ridiculous, whine whine" and it makes playing the game so depressing. Hard to enjoy something when all you hear about it is how bad it is.
This might be too personal, so I can understand if you do not answer.
Do you take any type of medication for your depression, cause at this point the depression has been debilitating for awhile. At least as long as long as it has stopped you from playing Sc2 to your satisfaction.
On January 04 2013 16:30 hp.Shell wrote: For me there has to be a reason to nudge myself to take care of something that needs to be done. Fear can be a reason. Two years ago I was horrible at leaving dirty dishes in the sink and letting them pile up. I'm pretty afraid of going back to the years when I stayed inside for 7-10 days at a time (most times), let my laundry and dishes pile up and just ate food and sat on the computer. I only went outside to buy food.
There is a voice inside your head. That's definitely true. There's a voice that says "hey look, dirty dishes; I should do them now so they are clean next time I want to eat something." That one usually talks first. Then there can be another voice, "I'll do it later, it doesn't NEED to be done now, I'm young, I have all the time in the world to do the dishes." But really washing the dishes by hand is a simple task that doesn't take more than 10 minutes if there are a lot to do.
If you've ever been in a place where you are constantly nagged by that voice that tells you to do the dishes, and you ignore it for months straight, you know the kind of hell that can be. I've been there, and I'm afraid of going back, so when I hear that voice I RUN to do the dishes. Sure there are times when I leave them till morning if there are only a few and I'm really tired. But just listening to the voice for a couple days really turns the pilot light on.
Late night computer use is a pretty tough habit to break. What I've been doing is only use it until about dinner time, then go eat dinner and don't get back on. Do something else for a bit. Then if you need to use it for practice or whatever say "I'm gonna play x number of games, and that's it." Then turn it off. I hear that "do the dishes" voice every time I walk past my computer to go downstairs to my bedroom. But this time it says "go to bed, it's late." I think having something like a game of SC2 or LoL can break your computer dose, say you're on the computer and it's 1am and you need to sleep but you don't want to get off, and you're reading a bunch of stuff on community sites. Play a game of SC2 and turn it off. It's nice to have a chunk of time dedicated to an activity rather than clicking through 50 links (just 3 more...) and reading them all.
Yeah, sunlight is rad.
You know how scary true this is...?
Its spot on for me just a couple of months ago. Maybe not as bad but pretty damn close.
Best of luck, i truly admine how you keep on struggling and fighting with your depressoin.
Music has been a huge help for me over the years, playing an instrument is one of the better activities when you need to take your mind off things, relax and just be yourself for a while. It's been helping me go through rough periods for 10 years now, i don't know what i would have done without it.
It sucks that you've got chronic long-term major depressive disorder, but we all have our challenges in life, and this is yours. You're a good person, though, from what I can tell of watching you play poppy in league of legends (gggggggggggggggg), so best wishes in making it through or solving it or whatever it is that you would consider a victory.
I'm getting my doctorate in clinical psychology right now and one of these days I hope to offer free services to progamers because I really do think that playing at such a high level alters your dopamine response curve.
Thankyou Tyler, reading your posts always seem to find a way to make me feel better. I'm just a skip and a hop away in Emeryville, hopefully bay area weather doesn't stay this cold too long ;D I could use some sun.
hey, I dont follow sc2 but I remember ur TSL victory coming from retirement to be one of the most epic moments in bw; you also played protoss, so GL If u wanna get in shape and eat better support group is a great idea, vistit TL H&F subforum
hey man im sure you have done your research and tried to find every method possible to help yourself out but just in case i would like to share mine.
its all about getting your brain and body the nutrients it needs. look into orthomolecular methods for treating depression. mega nutrient therapy etc. once you correct your nutrient imbalances then you have to maintain a good diet with lots of organic green vegetables. also good fats and proteins become really important. but yeah look into taking megadoses of niacin, amino acids, magnesium and vitamin c among other things. really helped me out.
whatever u do, dont give in to big pharma meds. they will not help you in the long run
Best of luck Nony. You captured the essence of all my disasters so accurately of how after a single bad day I just want throw everything away. I'm glad you found a way past that stage, and I'm looking forward to your return. Until then, fighting!
GL man, hope it all works out for you. I'll keep cheering for you however it turns out.
On January 04 2013 16:30 hp.Shell wrote:
There is a voice inside your head. That's definitely true. There's a voice that says "hey look, dirty dishes; I should do them now so they are clean next time I want to eat something." That one usually talks first. Then there can be another voice, "I'll do it later, it doesn't NEED to be done now, I'm young, I have all the time in the world to do the dishes." But really washing the dishes by hand is a simple task that doesn't take more than 10 minutes if there are a lot to do.
I feel a little pang right now as I just walked away from a massive pile of dirty dishes that i just stuck in the sink with some water and said, 'I don't feel like washing these right now.' I've been saying that for four days now and I really just don't want to do them, or go to work, or anything really.
I've always battled depression on and off especially after high school. I find it hard to not slip into it when you don't see people you like every day, all day. College was really hard for me, to a point where I usually didn't want to even leave my room. The same is true now too. My previous job I loved my staff, loved coming in to work, loved seeing everyone and didn't mind that I had work to do, the people made it easy. Ever since I got promoted and moved locations I've loathed going to work everyday. I don't especially care for any of the people there. The work is more stressful and less rewarding. And the new location is a mess of logistical and personnel problems. Now I just want to stay in my room, I'm too tired to go out with my friends, and even my girlfriend's presence, which has been my rock when I've been depressed, isn't helping all that much. I guess I never realized it until right now either. Huh.
Well I guess this has been a bit of a wake up call. I'm going to go do my dishes, thanks hp.Shell.
I don't know if you'll read this, but consider getting a dog. It'll wake you up early, give you good long walks every day & cheer you up every time you come home. Get's you out of your head and somehow the dog gives you permission to enjoy simple pleasure purely because it does so much.
hey nony remembered when you destroyed idra in TSL2 in bw (so much esports cant remember when you played him in sc2). Remember when idra was like "no plz nony no DONT DO IT AAAAAA" *rip* remember that nony
On January 04 2013 19:39 tonight wrote: I'm never going to know you now, but I'm going to love you anyhow.
Elliott Smith makes too much sense sometimes. Not that it is a bad thing, but when I get into funks I am amazed at how much I relate to that material.
I know how you feel NonY, keep working at it. My new years resolution is simply to learn to be ok. I don't think it'll be easy but I need to do this for me and those in my life goodly enough to care about me.
A kid that does w/e his intuition is telling him to do? I'd rather be a sick boss like that than number 1 GM or w/e else. If I could write like that, I wouldn't be able to stomach looking at other posts, either. Boys do what they can, men do w/e they want... It's clear Nony is more manly than some of us.
I've been exercising. I've been eating healthy. I've been sleeping better. These three basic things are indispensable for me to reach my potential. Take one or all of them away and I think I suffer more than most.
I'm being diligent. Conventional wisdom says that pursuing perfection right off the bat is a sure path to complete disaster. I agree. But when you've got a mentality like mine, indulgences may as well be pitfalls. So I'm being diligent. Everyone has a voice in their head that is telling them what they truly believe is best for them, what they truly believe is the right choice. I'm following that voice as often as possible. I'm reversing a habit of ignoring that voice. It's not trying to be perfect; it's being yourself.
I'm not quite sure why but my own inner voice read this in a highly inspirational manner as my own mentality for the majority of my life has been something along the lines of "perfection or nothing" which has lead to my own depression. hell starcraft was my love for the better part of 5 years of my life, it was my obsession and my passion rivaled only by playing my saxophone, piano, trumpet, or guitar. I blamed SC2 so much for the different feel though I recognized it as a different game and grew to love it anyway BW was and still is the most fun and competitive game that I have ever had the good fortune to play, and it probably will never leave that pedastal.
today looking at my past year in the form of 2012, I realize that I fucked so many things up. I attempted to force myself to be perfect in far too many areas, as a result of this I lost so much that made me who I am, or was, I strayed from my passions though i did find a new one in the form of motorcycling though as much as that brings me joy it cannot complete me and fix the flaws that I have been ignoring on the way to reaching my own potential. The three key areas that you mentioned of eating sleeping and exercising properly and consistently I agree are a critical foundation which I myself need as well.
probably the most inspirational sentence in the OP would be my new signature "It's not trying to be perfect; it's being yourself."-Tyler Wasieleski. Those are words which one can easily lead a happy and fulfilling life simply by following them
Nony, you were always my role model in a way. I never had a sports hero as a kid and generally had no one to look up to. If you believe that staying off of community sites is the best for you then go for it I wish you happiness and success in everything that you do whether it be related to starcraft or not.
It really doesn't matter to me whether you "make it to the top" as multiple people have mentioned. Sure, that'd make me (and you, i'm sure) incredibly happy, but you need to do what works for you, whether it leaves you at the top or not. I've always been a huge fan; I will continue to be a huge fan.
I've never suffered from depression, luckily, but I sympathize with you. I hope this new and healthy lifestyle keeps you from enterting a pitfall, and I believe your attitude will help you out also.
Seeing as the blog post was your last for a while, I highly doubt you'll ever read this. However, writing it made me feel "good." It might be super corny, but I really do look up to you as a role model.
Anyways, I wish you the best of luck in whatever/however you deal with this latest struggle with depression. Just know, you'll always have at least one fan.
Just do whatever you want man. Yes, I can see how this community could be poisonous. Just relax and take your time. I like that approach. GL with everything.
Sometimes, the best way to get back into playing was not playing - at least for me. It seems like you're doing something similar. I hope that going back is refreshing and not frustrating for you.
Awesome blog! Thanks Nony!!! Appreciating the little things of life like sunlight and nature is so rewarding and beautiful; I sometimes forget how beautiful the trees in my backyard sound when the wind blows. Then again, I live in Canada which means it's quit cold. :[
Dude, I'm going thru depression aswell and I know how days can just seem to fly by. I really want you to make it through. I want to have proof that someone who is part of something amazing can make something even more amazing happen.
You lead a difficult live for someone with your condition. Not being helped by the rhythm of a "normal" job is tough I can imagine. On the other hand it keeps you close to it, to yourself. I fear the moment of losing my job because I know I will fall very deep. But before that moment I will have it easier. Hopefully your wife is your best friend as she should be and you have the "not alone pact" with her meaning she can make you feel not alone maybe sometimes and you can do the same for her. Maybe you and others in this thread already know but because I don't see it being mentioned by anyone: Stay the hell away from alcohol. At least for me it triggered some mayor ones.
Nony kind of reminds me of an old martial arts master or prophet, descending from the mountain to share secrets of life for people to take just the smallest steps forward
NONY . Please come back to us sometime, when you are better. I remember watching your phoenix opening when I hadn't yet even bought the game. You are a role model, and one of the people that have reminded me why I do want to study philosophy in college, despite the shit I get for saying that. I wish you luck, do well, and make all of us proud of you . I for one believe in you.
I´ve stopped playing the game and put my efforts into my team and the management of it. By that I´ve been able to exercise more and develope a new side of myself. I didn´t really expect it to go so well for my team but stuff happens. I will probably never stop watching SC2
First SC video was those old FPVODs of yours I saw on Rabidmoth's Youtube channel a few years ago. Still my favourite progamer and someone I follow despite not being particularly involved in the scene anymore.
Thanks for the update, Nony! I hope you know we're all wishing you the best, whatever it is or however long it takes. Here's to a kickass 2013 and beyond for you man!
For me there has to be a reason to nudge myself to take care of something that needs to be done. Fear can be a reason. Two years ago I was horrible at leaving dirty dishes in the sink and letting them pile up. I'm pretty afraid of going back to the years when I stayed inside for 7-10 days at a time (most times), let my laundry and dishes pile up and just ate food and sat on the computer. I only went outside to buy food.
There is a voice inside your head. That's definitely true. There's a voice that says "hey look, dirty dishes; I should do them now so they are clean next time I want to eat something." That one usually talks first. Then there can be another voice, "I'll do it later, it doesn't NEED to be done now, I'm young, I have all the time in the world to do the dishes." But really washing the dishes by hand is a simple task that doesn't take more than 10 minutes if there are a lot to do.
If you've ever been in a place where you are constantly nagged by that voice that tells you to do the dishes, and you ignore it for months straight, you know the kind of hell that can be. I've been there, and I'm afraid of going back, so when I hear that voice I RUN to do the dishes. Sure there are times when I leave them till morning if there are only a few and I'm really tired. But just listening to the voice for a couple days really turns the pilot light on.
Late night computer use is a pretty tough habit to break. What I've been doing is only use it until about dinner time, then go eat dinner and don't get back on. Do something else for a bit. Then if you need to use it for practice or whatever say "I'm gonna play x number of games, and that's it." Then turn it off. I hear that "do the dishes" voice every time I walk past my computer to go downstairs to my bedroom. But this time it says "go to bed, it's late." I think having something like a game of SC2 or LoL can break your computer dose, say you're on the computer and it's 1am and you need to sleep but you don't want to get off, and you're reading a bunch of stuff on community sites. Play a game of SC2 and turn it off. It's nice to have a chunk of time dedicated to an activity rather than clicking through 50 links (just 3 more...) and reading them all.
Yeah, sunlight is rad.
That was the most enlightening post I've read all year. 2012 included. My university studies have been going to hell because I've been ignoring the part of me that at least tries to study, and the pile of dishes is looming ominously in the kitchen. I'm going to go do the dishes now (All the dishes. That mug has been on my desk for four months now), and then go for a walk around the lake this town was built around.
Then I'm going to go buy a cake, because it's my birthday, and cakes are an important part of birthdays. Hopefully this is the beginning of something great. Thanks for the wake up call.
I think the most important thing is that you enjoy what you're doing. If practicing again reawakens your desire to keep at it, that's awesome. If it doesn't, don't force yourself to keep practicing. Maybe you can explore other ways to be involved in Starcraft that you enjoy. I personally would love to watch you cast something .
I think you should do what you like doing and do it regardless of what anyone in the "eSports community" says.